I have given it everything I've got, guys. I'm flat as a strip of bacon. And I'm tired of having the two of you come into the bathroom every night and squeeze me differently. The Mrs., always from the top, the Mr., here or there where I least expect it, creating new lumps in my spine. And did you ever think to ask if I'm ticklish? I'm tired, I tell you.
I remember when I was fresh and minty and new, when you took off my cap, my metal was silvery and my insides were inside. Now there's a smeary blue-white ring around my metal nozzle. I've expanded in all the wrong places. My cap barely fits.
Really, I've had it. Go on and misuse another Tube of Toothpaste. You're not going to have me to squish around anymore; I'm outta here.